Window Shopping for Connection
I personally love the holiday season, "window shopping" to see what will inspire me to think of a loved one while browsing about. However this year, with my husband working out of town, at times just running errands with my son has been overwhelming, let alone actually shopping! Have you been out and about to see how commercialism is in full swing this time of year? Reflecting over the last few years I notice less relaxation and ease preparing for the holidays approach and increasingly more pressure and stress from the
environment.
There are so many more items on display that just seem to tempt one to impulsively pick them up - and they beg to be purchased. The visuals, smells, and sounds can overwhelm the sensory circuits leading to overload much more quickly than one might anticipate, especially when impulse control is challenging to begin with. I found myself caught in shame spirals and feeling hopeless when my son would become inconsolable in stores, begging for a toy, shoes, candy, whatever caught his attention in the moment. I asked myself, how do you navigate this territory when your child is too big to pick up and carry away from the scene?
Planning a trip to Wal-Mart to pick up some photos I had printed, I asked Rylan, "Would you like to go window shopping with me today at Wal-Mart?" Having looked at a Wal-Mart catalog together I knew this store had many of the items he has on his Christmas wish list, so I shared a story how as a child I loved the rare occasion of getting to window shop during the Holidays. With intention I clarified, "Window shopping means looking at what stores have out and rather than buying you just notice what you think others might enjoy and we'll share with each other what we would enjoy. Does that sound fun?" "Yeah!" Rylan responded with enthusiasm. I asked, "Will we be buying anything that is not on our list?" to which he replied, "No way!" We bundled up, taking our sensory bag of tricks with us for the transitions out and back and headed off for an adventure.We successfully picked up the photos and began browsing our way through the store to pick up the few items on our list. Rylan became so excited when he saw the new Xbox 360 Halo game system, "Oh Mom, this is so cool, this is all I want right now! Please Mom, would you get it for me right now, p-l-e-a-s-e?" Taking in his quickly mounting excitement, I empathized, "Wow, this is the one you marked in the catalog that you really like isn't it? Let's see what all it does and check it out." We looked it all over; he read aloud to me everything it said on the box and I would reflect back what I heard catching his interest. As we moved on I noticed he kept looking back at the display with longing, his eyes looked mournful and the corners of his mouth turned down, his shoulders began to slump and his feet dragged like they had enormous weights on them. "Oh Mom, won't you please just buy it for me now and put me out of my misery?" he moaned. "You feel torn right now?" I guessed, "It's just so much fun to see something you've wished for in person and walking away is tough?" "Yeah, I just want it so bad right now!"
Just then a small family group walked by us expressing excitement and delight as they saw the display, picked up a game system and carried it away. Rylan's eyes got huge as he witnessed this act. "I can't do this, you have to buy it for me now Mom or I'll just die!" he said as he slowly crouched down onto the floor by our cart. I sank down next to him, feeling a new well-spring of compassion, really seeing how hard this was for him and guessed, "Wow, this feels just so incredibly big huh? Like this moment might never end and you don't know how you'll ever survive? Something like that?" His body shifted and sniffling he looked over at me, "Just buy it for me now please Mom, please!" "Ahh, Rylan, I'd buy you the world to nurture you if I could," I said with a warm smile.
Standing up together I pointed to the digital book reader display, "I really want that and I bet you'd buy that for me too, yes?" He nodded agreement. "Oh Rylan, please, buy it for me right now please?" I playfully began expressing myself as I imagine a small girl might, stamping my foot while pouting my bottom lip out then tilting my head and smiling, "Won't you buy it for me right now?" Rylan straightened, shaking his head he said, "But I don't have any money." "Neither do I, but I want it now Rylan, what am I going to do?" I moaned.
Pushing the cart we slowly walked on together as he began looking about the store stopping suddenly at a display of men's necklaces and bracelets, "Look Mom, these are really cool." His voice sounded more steady and calm, "Can I try them on and see how they look?" We began exploring the styles and colors, "Which one do you like the best?" I asked as we began to move on. "Oh this one I guess," he replied with an engaging smile, "I was just choosing to look at them to distract myself so we could window shop again, Mom."
"Wow! I exclaimed, feeling a flush of pleased surprise cascade from my face radiating down over my body, "I'm so pleased and happy you are using your own internal resources in public, Rylan! How cool is that!" Give your Mom a big warm hug to celebrate!" As we embraced I sang softly to him, "Yay Rylan, Celebrate Rylan,"
Moving on through the store I asked, "Isn't window shopping fun?" With twinkling eyes he said, "Sure is. Now, what do you think Dad wants?" And on we with our exploration.
This experience once again reminds me how important and powerful it is to meet not only my loved ones with compassionate curiosity, but myself as well. When I begin to expect the "unexpected" to happen at any moment, and not make it wrong, I am empowered to remain present in the face of the unpredictable. I do so want the world to be a community where my son experiences nurturance and that begins with me, his Mom, choosing to remain in an enduring relationship with him wherever we are in the moment. Especially when we are in public and it's the most challenging. This is where we are building the new neurocircuitry that will support him to have a meaningful life.
