Playing With a Full Deck: Dealing With Big Energy
Do you ever feel overwhelmed "being the parent" and want someone to just understand on a cellular level exactly what your on-going experience is? Does your window of tolerance get stretched so far you feel you will either burst in frustration or faint from despair? That's where I repeatedly find myself in relationship with my son when his nervous system is heightened and the energy gets really big. My nervous system alerts me that my cup is nearing empty and I'm in dire need of some empathy! And while being heard by others with care and empathy can be immensely calming, sometimes we have to find ways to give ourselves some compassion when we are alone.
I recognize, in the heat of the experience, a part of me believes the pain of disconnection will last forever. Nothing will ever change, no one will ever want to hang out with us, we're too much, we're too different, it's just too hard to be around us. Lost in the ever present past, I feel shame spread across my cheeks as I hang my head, weary to the bone, feeling hopeless. Reflecting for a moment, I can remember sitting with the question, "How can I keep my cup full enough to stay present with unconditional love and acceptance, especially in the midst of perceiving hard, forceful energy coming at me?" Ah, I now see with clarity that I need to be present to myself with unconditional love and acceptance first.
Feeling a sense of urgency to find some way out of my empathy deficit, and not able at that moment to reach out to others for support, I got out my deck of GROK* "Needs/Values" cards. Sitting down at the table I begin to sort them, one at a time, into two piles; one pile of needs/values that resonate with me, meaning I notice a sensation in my body while focusing on the card, and another pile of needs/values cards that have virtually no effect on me. Out of 54 cards, 33 of them resonate with me. Wow - this symbolizes a lot of needs/values! I notice my body shift and relax slightly.
Taking the 33, I place them into clusters of needs/values, under the seven basic human needs (connection, integrity, play, peace, well-being, meaning and choice). I see that the cluster under the need for connection is really big - 16 cards in that cluster; connection, consideration, compassion and empathy, to matter and belong, predictability, to be heard, help & support, trust, understanding, respect, dependability, shared reality, reassurance, to have my intentions seen, and friendship. Going over them a second time I let out a long sigh and feel my abdomen release. The simplicity of seeing myself, hearing myself, and mattering to myself by this very act of taking time for myself - is such an unexpected gift.
Focusing on the second largest cluster of needs/values I count seven cards; peace, harmony, ease and comfort, hope, balance, order, and efficiency. Ahh...the tension in my shoulders lets go and I take a deep breath. I realize how deeply I long to live my dream of peace and harmony on earth, and for the experience to offer ease and comfort, especially in relationship with my son. With a renewed sense of hope I pick up a smaller cluster; self expression, appreciation, meaning and purpose, and mourning. Oh, mourning is a biggie. Mourning the lack of integration and self-connection to even be able to express with contingent communication. Longing for enoughness no matter what the environment holds!
Now, focusing on the remaining cards, I notice a couple of them stand out brighter than any in the stack - safety and choice. Oh yeah, when I perceive my neuroception of safety is threatened, my prefrontal cortex (where my ability to be present and make conscious choice resides) dims, becoming inhibited. Simultaneously, my amygdala lights up (my emotional alarm system) prioritizing safety above all else! This automatic response has been conditioned into my nervous sytem by my previous life experiences. I'm really getting that in those moments, unless I tap into empathy fast, I may quickly perceive myself a victim of my environment.
A few days later I began to have a crisis of imagination, because my window of tolerance was stretched beyond belief with strong, forceful energy. I was inspired to grab my deck of cards again, and guess what? Nearly all the very same needs/values resonated with me!
"Amazing," I thought. Only this time, as I sorted them into clusters and sat with each cluster to sense my core needs/values, I discovered my longing had shifted subtly around the needs/values for safety and choice. The distinction was now, "How can I experience staying clear with my own intention, in order to offer myself and others unconditional love and presence? How do I keep myself and others safe while engaging with the big energy that comes up in life?"
What I'm learning on this journey is how vital it is to have empathy support, especially when overwhelmed with feelings of anger or fear. When you are held with care and compassion by another being, while you process your experience, including bodily sensations, the pathways between your prefrontal cortex and amygdala are strengthened. With repeated experiences of receiving empathy, you may begin to experience an ability to remain present in environments you previously felt overwhelmed with. In these moments of clarity, seeing yourself with compassion by guessing what your own needs/values are (self-empathy) will broaden that pathway while strengthening your resilience. I also find that journaling my self-empathy experience truly supports my ability to integrate and make meaning from my narrative.
When I am able to sit with and hold my inner experience with compassionate understanding, a shift within my being opens my eyes to perceive the beauty of consciously living in this radically different paradigm. In this space, a playfulness emerges that reminds me of warm sunny days, and the delight I felt as a child awakens within me once more.
