Reaching for Attachment
Have you ever felt really happy to see someone and gotten knocked off-balance by their response? Do the needs for predictability and a sense of care in relationships come up in your day-to-day life? These are very familiar needs for me, along with wanting to live with a sense of congruence and ability to make meaning in the midst of those 'off-balance' moments.
I have been pondering how we are interconnected, and intentionally seeking a way to have solid grounding in my life, for resiliency, wanting to be present in such a way that I am creating meaning and finding purpose in each moment, especially as a parent. Because when I am able to perceive, make sense of, and respond to my child's needs, I am co-creating with him an internal working model of safety and security he can rely on.
I've been noticing my son is eating and sleeping a lot while going through another really big growth spurt. My guess is this is a really big stimulus for him, and I'm imagining that his nerve endings may feel like they are on fire and thus his window of tolerance is greatly reduced.
He was filled with excitement when he got to spend the night at his older brother's house, yet the next day, when I went to spend time with him and care for my grandchildren, he made grumpy faces and moved away when I reached out to him. I felt very confused, trying to understand what was going on. I stopped him in the hallway by reaching out and taking hold of his arms; instantaneously he began wriggling about, resisting connection. As he squirmed to the ground, I was able to stay with him and said, "Hey, what's going on here? I want to slow it down and connect with you for a moment." His foot connected with my shin, and the unexpected pain, coupled with knowing my two-year-old twin grandson was witnessing this interaction, fueled a fierce love within me as I held him, seeking connection. "Rylan, do you know how much you are loved?" I asked passionately. As he squirmed, he shouted back, "No! Let go of me, I hate you!"
"Rylan!" I implored, with tears in my eyes, "I love you. The bubbas are here and love you too. They are watching and listening right now!" Rylan slowed his movements, and began to look at his surroundings, his eyes softened as they rested on Andrew, one of his little nephews, who was slowly drawing near to us.
"Guncle sad?" Andrew asked with compassion, "Hug Guncle?" he reached out to embrace his Uncle Rylan and give him a kiss, resting his head on his uncle. Rylan's eyes, wet with tenderness, met mine as he received this gift of unconditional love. "Aw, thank you, Andrew, Uncle feels better now with your love." Rylan said.
Noticing I was holding my breath, I felt my body begin to relax as I drew in a deep sigh of relief, so touched and amazed by the power of unconditional love and presence. I took a moment to acknowledge to myself just how big it feels within me when Rylan faces challenges in becoming his full self. Remembering my circle of friends, who hold me with compassionate understanding, supported me to return to a state of calm where I could realign myself, once again, with my intention to remain unconditionally present with this young man who is my son.
Reflecting over this experience later, while receiving some much needed empathy support from others, I realized that in the biggest moment of intensity I felt some real horror that my little grandson had witnessed what I perceived as an act of violence. As I slowly re-connected to my experience with eyes of compassion, I recognized a response pattern of terror and fear that was activated by embedded memories of how an older child had interacted with me as a young child. This was the first time I connected viscerally with how my limbic system becomes flooded in the presence of my son's intense behaviors.
From an IPNB perspective, the mental model ingrained within me from repeated patterns of past experiences with my friend was retained in my implicit memory. Implicit memories activated without a sense that in the moment something is being recalled directly influence our perceptions, emotions, behaviors, and bodily sensations.
Slowing my experience down in the presence of caring others, I took deep breaths and paid attention to my bodily sensations. My heart felt huge and on fire, like it was going to burst with the pain it was holding in, and there was a constant roar in my aching head. Witnessing my experience in this way, a new awareness gradually emerged around how what happened in my childhood connects within present time.
It dawned on me that a very little girl, a part of myself, was stuck in a place of fear, in time outside of time. The overwhelming sensations made perfect sense when I could see that this little-girl part of me didn't know that I had survived living with this friend! While I cried, my inner compassionate witness began to have a dialogue with this terrified child. This part of myself, who desperately needed to be seen and held, needed rescuing. I needed someone to finally see with compassion what had happened for me.
The little girl was incredibly worried about her friend and wanted her rescued too. That was such a surprise for me to take in! This friend was someone I had lived in fear of all my life. And yet, at the same time, I was tapping into how much I really do love this friend. I was astonished how I could have such immense unconditional love and at the same time feel simply terrified of this relationship! This is such a huge piece I am still sitting with even now; it's so helpful just to name it and anchor this fierce love within me.
While in dialogue with this little-girl part of self, I was able to tell her she'd survived the experiences with her friend and that I'm now 53 years old. She laughed! There is something here about taking in the wisdom that this little part of myself has been holding for so long until she was able to release the intensity of her experience in her body, my body, which was mainly in my belly and in my heart, and to allow those sensations to be experienced - without making them wrong - just being present with acceptance. When she was willing for herself and her friend to be rescued, in that process of integration, I received new wisdom of the body connection that I didn't have before! Having believed death was imminent having believed I was going to die any moment...the little girl didn't know what the compassionate present part of me knew! That I'd grown up and have this 11-year-old little boy who needs us to be present!
There is something really powerful around the innocence of a little child's love and forgiveness for those they care for and are nurtured by. There was something about having my two-year-old grandson compassionately present that brought the really little part of me out to be received and held by my compassionate witness. Both parts wanted to hold space for someone they love and know is in pain. My friend really did nurture me, more than anyone, because we were left alone a lot. I imagine that when Rylan really "acts out" because he's gone limbic, and I consistently respond to him with fierce love, I will be modeling something radically different for him, for me, for the little kids who are near me, and for whoever happens to witness my response! That's the kind of love that I'm about and want to claim for life, for children, all children, for me. I want to acknowledge the little-girl part of me that understands this and has taught it to the compassionate witness part of me!
I believe, with a fierce determination, that when my son is flailing about like that, he needs to punch his fists against God's chest, and I want to be there to support him as he finds his way. At the same time I want to attend to self-care, so I trust that as I'm experiencing my own healing, I'll be able to remain present in new ways that sustain my son in breaking through whatever it is that he's working with.
I really appreciate what it took for this part of self to integrate. All the work that I've done with trusted others has been a huge part of my healing journey. What amazing beings we are - it's never too late to heal. Our brains can alter synaptic connections and grow new neurons, especially in the integrative regions, when we have new interpersonal experiences that promote an internal sense of security, self-understanding, and a willingness to try new approaches to connect with others.
Just today, when I heard Rylan call out from upstairs, "Mom!" I raced up the steps, smiling and eager to see him, looked into his eyes and asked him, "Do you know how much you are loved?" to which he replied, "More than I can ever imagine!" and we shared a great big warm snuggly Mommy hug.
