Welcoming the Three R's in Life
Have you ever woken up early in the morning with a million thoughts racing through your head? And each thought is telling you what you should be doing, or better yet, telling you what you should already have done? Well, that was my experience this morning! I was telling myself, "You need to get up now, before Rylan wakes up, so you can write your newsletter?" "Hurry, before you run out of time!" "You were supposed to already have published your newsletter, hurry up!" "And don't forget to update your website." "Remember to create those new seminars while you are at it." "You really need to spend time connecting with Shadow at least three times a week." "You ought to spend more time with Rhoda before she's gone." "Don't forget to plant seeds in the green house today." As the thoughts began speeding up I had the sensation that a balloon was about to burst within my chest.
As I recognized my familiar thought-life I paused deliberately, took a deep cleansing breath, and smiled as I welcomed my felt experience and released my breath. These intentional responses invited my inner state of resistance to shift from its heightened alert to sink into an atmosphere of being welcomed right where I was, in this moment of time, into the relaxed state of self-acceptance that is always within me, always here, always now.
Turning in my bed, to gaze upon my sleeping son, I began to reflect upon this last incredible month of life with him. As I lay there all snuggly warm, I chose to take the time to greet any sensation, thoughts, emotions, or images that would float into my awareness. Images and thoughts around the new iLS sound therapy Rylan has begun daily bubbled up. I acknowledged within myself how his usual pattern of shifting quite quickly into an automatic "fight" response, when faced with the unexpected, has shifted to a transparent "fear" response. I recognized in this moment just how vital it is for me, as a parent, to be willing to provide the ABC's (attunement, balance, and coherence) of attachment for my son. Recalling how frightened he becomes when I am unexpectedly gone from his awareness, I chose to remain present to him, telling myself, "Just for now, in this moment in time, as he transitions from sleeping to waking, I will remain present." And I silently celebrated my awareness that nothing was more important.
When I slow down to attune, connect, and communicate with Rylan we co-create a secure attachment as well as lay a foundation for healthy growth and development. This is how he is supported to make meaning of his sense of self and enabled to develop a coherent narrative about his life.
As I watched him in slumber, another moment in time bubbled up that we shared recently. sitting on the couch facing one another, Rylan was telling me about his fears in the night. "I just get so scared! If I wake up and you aren't there I think you are dead!"
"I'm hearing just how scared you feel when you wake up and think I'm dead because you can't see me," I reflected, "you really like it when you know I'm okay and you aren't alone?" I guessed.
"Yeah," Rylan's eyes widened as he continued, "but I get so scared my stomach hurts and it terrifies me! I want it to stop and I don't know what to do."
"So you feel so scared your stomach hurts and it's terrifying? You really want it to stop; yet don't know what to do? I'm guessing you might like some support and new tools maybe?" I reflected with an empathy guess.
Rylan nodded and leaned towards me slightly. Taking in his nonverbal cues, I drew in a deep breath to ground myself, then inquired, "Do you remember the tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique) we did together when you were six years old?"
"Yeah, I stopped biting my nails then didn't I!" he answered excitedly, "If we do the tapping again will that help my fear too?"
"Are you willing to try it now and see how it supports you? This is something you can do anytime, anywhere, whenever you need support." I responded.
We proceeded to sink into several rounds of tapping while I named his experience out loud in the first person. After which I asked, "How does your tummy feel now?"
Placing his hand on his tummy he paused before responding with awe in his voice, "My tummy doesn't hurt."
Giving him a big warm smile I acknowledged, "Wow, Rylan, you are really developing so many tools to support yourself in the moment. I celebrate how you are able to seek support when you need it!"
Rylan smiled, and then with tears building up in his eyes said, "Yeah, but other kids my age are able to do a lot more school work than me."
"Aw, is it that you like to be included, especially with kids your age? And maybe wishing you had more power in your world? Would you just love to do and be anything you want to do or be right now?"
He nodded as he wiped away his tears.
"Well, I'm moved to some self-expression here son. You see, I'm not worried about that at all. You are doing some serious foundation work in your life. Do you remember why you are willing to do all this work?" *
"So I can calm myself and not feel overwhelmed by my sensory and feel happier?" Rylan answered seeking affirmation.
"Absolutely!" I affirmed, "And, once your foundation is solid you are going to soar wherever your interests take you and I'll be right alongside to support you. Now, are you ready to let me give you a great big Mommy-hug?!"
Shifting my focus back to the present moment, as if on cue, Rylan's eyes opened and connecting with my gaze offered me a gorgeous big smile saying, "Good morning, Mommy, I love you!" How satisfying it is to witness my son's journey in life interweaving with my own. Establishing the firm foundation necessary for secure-attachment is enabling both of us to know it is possible to Welcome the Three R's: Resistance, Rupture and Repair while holding both our self and others with love and acceptance.
* Rylan would like any other kids who struggle with sensory or learning difficulties to know that the work he is doing with audiblox, iLs, and tapping are really helping him. Contact me if you want more information about what we are doing.
