Resonance
Birthday celebrations. What images come to mind reading those words just now? Do you remember looking forward to celebrating your special day as a child, or are there clouded memories of disappointment? For years now our son, Rylan, has started anticipating his birthday celebration right after the Christmas holidays. Typically when that magical day arrives, his nervous system is wound so tight with expectations, the slightest disappointment will trigger the aroused sympathetic branch of his system into acute distress.
As distress levels build up in children, a hormonal chain reaction is set in motion and their bodies are primed for action. High levels of stress hormones wash over the brain and body, there is a withdrawal of the chemicals that promote feelings of well-being, and pain circuits in the brain are activated, just as they would be if the child were hurt physically.
I remember previous years when upon hearing that his friend could not come to his celebration; Rylan would instantly fall to the ground. Curling up in despair, he would loudly emit distraught cries of grief and strong, broken emotional language. Quickly I would move to his side and begin to offer him words of resonance, "Such big disappointment, really looking forward to having fun and celebrating with everyone?"
When we attune to another person's primary emotional state, through the sharing of nonverbal signals, a beautiful thing happens: resonance occurs. With this joining of two minds, a state of alignment is created where two people experience "feeling felt" by the other. This magical connection allows our primary emotions to become intimately influenced by the mind of the other person as we connect with their primary emotional state. We continue to feel the connection to the other through the resonance which is experienced as memories, thoughts, sensations, and images of the other and our relationship.
Noticing my own emotional state resonating with a sharp pain in my gut, I maintained contact with the calm core of my internal compassionate observer, in the midst of my child becoming fearful, so that his seeking circuits could attune with this calming warmth of contingent contact in the moment of overwhelm, activating his systems for bonding and care.
"Yes!" he cried out, "he promised he would be here, he promised!"
"You really love it when you can count on things happening predictably and easy," I responded making an empathy guess as I gently stroked his forehead, supporting the release of the soothing chemical, oxytocin, inviting his system to come back into balance.
Comforting a screaming child activates his vagus nerve, which belongs to the parasympathetic branch of his system, making it possible for him to slow down and relax. The more responsive and attuned you are to your child, the greater the regulation of his body arousal systems will become, especially with consistent repeated experiences.
So this year when I received the news that two of his friends and one of his sisters would not be able to attend his celebration, my husband and I prepared to once again offer all the calming warmth possible with hopes that his special day would be the best it could be. We instead witnessed an amazing difference in our son's experience as he took in this hugely disappointing information.
His head dropped and his body folded over slightly, as his eyes and face revealed his deep disappointment. Then, taking a deep breath, he straightened back up. Meeting my eyes with a look of concern he said. "Man, they must feel really disappointed; I know they were really looking forward to getting to come. Can I give them a call and talk with them?"
Wow! What an amazing difference! As I reflect on that moment now, I recognize that as I consistently offer empathy and presence in relationship with my son, new neural pathways are being made; stronger connections are linking between his emotional alarm, limbic system, and his balancing circuits of the middle prefrontal cortex. His resonance circuits have formed a representation of my emotionally responsive presence to empower him to self-regulate and live a life of well-being.
