Finding Our Way
Reorganizing my office space I opened yet another box of books and began to unpack them. My eyes opened wide with surprise as I opened the pages of a small spiral notebook and realized I was holding in my hands my very first NVC journal from over 6 years ago! I felt such a mixture of feelings as I read my first entry next to my taped in print-out of O-F-N-R instructions (Observation, Feeling, Need, Request). Oh my, such tender memories of when my son, Rylan, was only 6 years old...
O - I really wanted to go to church this morning with my family...I tried to help Rylan get ready for Sunday School and it went downhill fast. I get so tired of needing to wait. I'm confused how to help him move forward out of being stuck. He uses such a loud voice, calls names progressively more violent, then explodes. Out of frustration I mirror him which escalates the whole scene to worse than ever. We called each other names, it got very hurtful, I felt such a time pressure. I told myself things, "We're going to be late. He always has to have his way. Here he goes again. I am so tired of this. He needs to hurry up. He doesn't listen to me. No one is going to like him. No one will want him to be at Sunday School. I am embarrassed when he talks loud and mean to me in front of others. I have to make him stop being like this. He is so mean and disrespectful. I don't like him when he acts like this. I can't do this. This is too hard. I want to run away - leave - never come back. HELP ME!!!"
F - I feel calmer now having gotten that much out. I feel deep sadness.
N - What does he need when he yells loudly and gets so angry?
I need calm, peace, harmony, positive regard, consideration, respect, fun, joy, relaxation, energy, order, acceptance, understanding.
He flip-flops - explosive anger - sad - sorry - sweet - explosive anger - sad - disconnected - explosive - sad - etc.
He wants to stay home (autonomy)
He wants to play (play)
I had a mental "list" of all I "needed" to do to be ready for the week.
R - I choose to slow down, to take time today, this moment, to connect with Rylan. To be home, to play while I clean and include him. I choose to listen to him, enjoy him and love him just the way he is with acceptance and seek to understand him and seek to hear his needs with empathy.
This meets my need for interdependence, play, order, harmony, love, celebration and autonomy.
Reflecting back over those days they seem so timeless, both so long ago and just like yesterday. Just now I take in a deep breath and acknowledge how far Rylan and I have come and how much we have learned and integrated over the last 6-7 years. And I so greatly value those first glimpses of seeing the beauty through that dense fog of confusion and pain. The gift of experiencing being stretched beyond my inner limitations and finding our way to discovering something no one can ever take from me, or Rylan. Pure unconditional love and acceptance, of self and of others.
