Tapping into a New Way of Being

Disappointment can take your breath away and just about knock you out with its pain.

"But we planned it in advance! It's not fair!" Shocked with bitter disappointment, Rylan ran to his room and lay crying on his bed.

Pausing, for a moment to ground myself, I noticed my heart was racing and my breathing was shallow. Placing my hand on my heart, and closing my eyes to focus inward, I focused on my breath while checking in with my body sensations. My gut and shoulders were clenched tight, and the flavor of emotion was near panic and despair. Ah, just dipping into the sensations and naming the emotions I felt a release from the pain. Acknowledging how much I value heart connection and harmony my heart rate slowed and shoulders relaxed, and I felt solid ground under my feet once more.

Moving to sit beside Rylan I laid my hand on his back, viscerally feeling the waves of emotion rolling through him like shock waves on my heart and soul. Silently acknowledging how shocking it was for him to hear his friend's mom cancel coming over, due to the unexpected snow storm. Slowing it down inside myself, I silently named how much he needs consistency, predictability and the joy and fun of friendship. As I continued to sit with him silently, the depth of his mourning pierced my heart, and the pitch of his cries impaled my ears, I began to slide into overwhelm.

Taking a deep cleansing breath I slowly moved away from my son's side, "Mommy needs a little space for a moment or two." Retreating to the basement I systematically began to fold laundry as I slowed down my inner experience once more. I began to hear the story I was telling myself, "it's just too hard, too much, too loud, way too loud!" Tears sprang to my eyes as I felt the resonate waves of big emotional energy emitted from my son, the depth of his despair, and the need for mourning. I asked this very emotional part of me, "Is it that you would like to remain fully present within your sense of self to provide the one who is your son consistent resonant attunement and support?"

Suddenly, before I could go further, Rylan walked into the room, sat on the couch and calmly looked up at me. Tipping his head ever so slightly he asked, "Now, Mother, was that a little thing or a big thing?"

Meeting his gaze I felt a shift of surprise and relief spring up within me. "Thank you for asking. Let's see, it seems a little thing until it happens repeatedly and suddenly it feels quite big." Pausing to reflect within I added, "Thank you for asking, I really like your question," reaching forward to invite his imagination to engage with a handshake I asked, "have we met previously? Your name is...?"

"Rylan." He smiled, just slightly, as he politely shook my hand.

"And how old are you?" I inquired.

"Twelve, almost thirteen."

"I'm so pleased to meet you. I have seen you around once in a while, but there is something different happening here. This is the first time you have initiated a conversation with me like this. I'd really like to have more conversations with you, and spend more time with you, is that a possibility?"

Smiling wide, and sitting up even straighter, his chin tipped up as he replied, "Why yes, I would enjoy more conversations with you too. This is how Ken talks with me!" (Ken is the facilitator of his weekly social skills group.)

Smiling back I affirmed, "Yes, I heard you and Ken talking at group last week, I'd like to hear more about that. I'm wondering, would you be available to help with a little guy that lives here? He needs lots of love and support as he finds his way. He sometimes gets overwhelmed with disappointment and really needs to know how much he matters and that he's not all alone in the world."

"Yes." He answered, "I know that little boy." Rylan's facial expression began to soften, as he reflected for a moment. "When I know a friend is coming over I feel so good inside, like I missed having a friend so much, and I'm so happy. And when you tell me he can't come, it's like a volcano inside," he paused to reflect another moment, "not really a volcano, more like blowing bubbles in chocolate milk. Yeah," raising his eyebrows he brightened, "like a bubble inside that's a three! And then it grows bigger into a four and then a five! And it nearly bursts, but it doesn't, yeah, that's it!"

"Wow, Rylan! This is huge that you are telling me this! You have never expressed your inner experience like this to me before! This really helps me to understand what was happening for you, and just how big it felt. And, I celebrate with you that your "Young Man" really "gets" "Little Rylan" and he is right here and right now sharing your inner experience with me!"

Smiling even wider Rylan joyfully replies, "I'm getting so integrated, aren't I mom!"

"You bet you are sweetheart!" I agreed as I embraced him in a monster mommy hug, "You bet you are!"