Learning Acceptance
As I tossed and turned in bed, attempting to drift off to sleep, I noticed there was a sense of contraction in my body as it curled inward around my pillow. Consciously lying still, and turning the light of my attention inward, I noticed old, yet familiar, stories surfacing, "there is something wrong about me... I should be showing up differently...life is too hard." My body curled further into a fetal position, cringing from a sense of loneliness and despair. Noticing my belly clench and release, the warmth of my Compassionate Presence reached out with acceptance and love, wordlessly cradling me right there, allowing me to dive even deeper within, and my secret fear to be heard. "There's no space or privacy anymore...no closeness in my marriage...I'm all alone." My compassionate self-witness resonated with my experience - "Are you exhausted and afraid? Do you long to know that you matter? "
As tears formed in my eyes, finding relief in the presence of feeling felt, memories of my husband's warmth, compassionate understanding, and care flooded my mind. My body relaxed as it sank into the truth and beauty of our enduring love, luxuriating in the freedom our shared reality of life brings. Resting there more healing memories sprang to my mind's eye of being celebrated for showing up in the world exactly as I do, especially as a mother.
My heart burst open sinking into the beautiful need for the freedom to choose to be me and the ability to trust the internal cues I receive from my inner knowing, rather than the cues received externally from my environment, especially when parenting the one who is our son. Ah - such relief spread through my whole being as I delighted in the freedom to move as I do in the world, in congruence with my sacred values, showing up in full choice! To celebrate my unique way of being in the world and let that, whatever that might look like in the moment, be okay. Time stood still just then, it was as if the words "Choice" and "Freedom" hung in the air above me, illuminated and beautiful.
When you blend and merge families, each member has their own consolidated stories about how life is "supposed" to unfold, and how parents "should" raise their children. There is a transitional period where everyone seeks to find their own way to a path of harmony in order to abide with one another. This has felt especially true for me since we recently invited another family member to live on our property; the simplicity of our lives has seemingly become much more complexified, as the stories of each member's past, clouds their ability to see what is happening in the present.
Choosing to homeschool our son, and create sustainable work from our home, has allowed me the freedom to slow down whatever may be happening in any given moment, and shift my awareness to choose that which contributes towards the well-being of our family as a whole. But most especially this choice allows me to create an environment that nurtures our son where he is developmentally. The operative words are "the freedom to choose." Unless one holds conscious awareness that there are other choices, one operates from the automatic unfolding of unconscious scripts. These scripts, which were imprinted from the time we were very young, and drive our behaviors in relationship with ourselves and others, can be interrupted and reframed to truly serve our life. For me, rather than attempting a "quick fix" to get others to comply with my strategy of the moment, this is a deliberate choice that prioritizes taking the time to sink into the beauty of the underlying needs that arise. Choosing to illuminate conscious awareness within myself is gradually reconsolidating the scripts of my past as it rewrites the story of my life in the present moment. This empowers me to remain open, honest, and curious in my relationships with not only others, but first with myself.
