The Gift of Healing Love

After walking up the stairs early in the morning, I heard my lungs start to wheeze, and as a rattling stirred deep in my chest, my mind screamed, "I'm not getting enough air - I can't breathe!" instantaneously my whole body tightened into resistance with such an intensity that blind panic coursed through me. My eyes desperately scanned my outer environment for some means of help, and in that moment, I recognized this inner-state of being on a cellular level; learned helplessness. As I stopped, frozen in the ever-present-past, another layer of implicit belief emerged; even if there was someone there - they couldn't help me - it'd make it worse.

When this was not instantly made wrong by my inner critic, I felt a slight inner-shift as a tender aspect of my inner self emerged, which seemed very vulnerable and all alone. So completely and utterly alone there was no one else to reach out to, no one to see me, to hear me, to help me. Resisting the inner impulse to flee (where would I go) I slowed my inner experience by leaning forward, elbows on knees, gently held my forehead in my hands, and consciously focused on self-connection. I felt my lungs swell, and my airway began to contract, and the terrifying panic once more rose up within. An image of my horse, Shadow rearing, when my shoulder was torn from its socket, and the terror of panic that had reached for me, flashed briefly in my mind's eye, and I remembered how there came a time when I chose to live the inner practice I have been learning to do. To willingly and mindfully let go of everything at the very moment it rises; notice it is coming, it peaks, and then it leaves. So with every sensation, every emotion, every thought, every yearning or need, to willingly let go of my inner attachment to it at its peak as a continuous, nonstop process, allowing each layer to emerge naturally.

Empowered by the memory of this vibrant experience, I closed my eyes, looked up above my inner horizon, and sensed the Light. I felt this Light and Love come right in, consciously breathing the healing energy deep into my body; allowing the Light's warmth to shine right into my head, flow into my 3rd eye, into my ears, my throat, my chest, to flow down my arms, my torso, my stomach, my hips. Allowing this Light and Love to flow into my thighs, knees, and feet, I heard my Compassionate Self say, "I am open to receiving Pure Source Energy and Love." Then I sensed the Light flow from my feet into the center of the planet where - as above and so below - there's another space that provides Pure Source Energy. It felt warm and welcoming, like "Oh, I'm so glad you are here!" Yeah! So I let that Loving Light bounce back, like a mini-trampoline, up my feet, my calves, my thighs, my hips, my stomach, my torso, and into my heart radiating out 360 degrees all the way around me so I was in a big bubble of Love and Light from above and below. (This whole inner experience happened in less than 1/10,000's of a second.)

I chose with faith to let go of frantically attempting to control my experience by searching for help outside myself, and instead mindfully looked within my sense of Self to become aware of my Compassionate Presence, which is always here, always now. What I'm learning is it's not so much about verbally describing my experience so much, as it is simply being willing to feel the sensations in the moment. As I continued to lean my forehead (3rd eye, prefrontal cortex) to rest in my hands, inside I experienced my forehead sinking into the chest of God and being held - tears of relief and recognition began to flow - I am being held all the time, I had just been blocked from seeing it and feeling it.

I had unknowingly bought myself a label, which had been sold to me by well-meaning health care authorities, "I have asthma."** I had unwittingly identified myself with the whole "asthma" program. Yet now I am experientially learning to understand that the whole "program" is an abstract fear-based concept held in the mind, which has limited my capacity to live life fully as the miraculous being I am. I cannot feel "asthma." It is not possible, for example, to experience the thought, "I'm not getting enough air - I can't breathe!" That is a fearful thought in the mind which can block me from my Compassionate Self. What is helpful is to observe with compassionate love what is actually felt, the sensations themselves; a tension or constriction in the throat or chest, a wheezing, coughing, or swelling of the lung tissue. Rather than putting labels on everything, including the feelings themselves, I simply focus on connecting with my Compassionate Self to observe my inner on-going experience of feeling them in the moment, whatever they may be, noticing as my body relinquishes the energy of fear behind them, and they dissipate, or float past like clouds in the sky. Even dark storm clouds dissipate, or pass in the sky.

So, as I continuously practice letting go of desperately trying to win a battle with "asthma" and surrender wanting to control my experience, change my experience, or to have it my way, there's something about receiving the gift of Healing Love, feeling that Light warm the very cells of my being, which restores inner peace and strengthens my increasing faith in Life itself.